Have you ever wondered why your children, who you have raised almost identically to one another, could be so very different? Have you wondered how you turned out so very different from your own siblings? Those questions have been around for years. Dr. Kevin Leman has written a book, The Birth Order Book: Why You Are The Way You Are, that outlines some of these very questions.
The Firstborn
Firstborns tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who do not like surprises. They tend to be people-pleasers and they are model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge.
The Only Children
Only children are a lot like the firstborn. They are very responsible and are bigger perfectionists. They usually get along better with people older than themselves.
The Middle Child
These kids are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling. My middle child often feels like his older brother gets all the glory while his younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child often feels like the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive and he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings.
Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well. They are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, and they are independent and inventive.
The Last Born
Babies of the family are social and outgoing, and are the most financially irresponsible of all birth orders. They just want to have a good time. While last borns may be charming, they also have the potential to be manipulative and spoiled to the point of helplessness.
Some Exceptions
Some variables can affect the above descriptions. For instance, if there are several years between the first and second child, the second child will have some characteristics of a firstborn. Or, if the firstborn is a girl and the second a boy, the son will have some firstborn characteristics because he is the family's first male offspring. Sibling deaths, adoptions and blended families can also upset the traditional birth order.
How to Parent The Firstborn
- Don't be an improver. Your child already feels the need to be perfect in every way. "Improving" tasks your firstborn attempts on her own will only increase the pressure she places on herself.
- Take two on two time. According to Leman, "Firstborns respond better to adult company than children of any other birth order. Firstborns often feel that parents don't pay much attention to them because they're always concentrating on the younger ones in the family. Make a special effort to have the firstborn join you and your spouse in going out alone for a treat, or to run some kind of special errand."
- Don't pile on responsibilities. Older children often feel as though they do much more work around the house than their younger siblings. Share the duties and errands as soon as young children are capable. And, stay away from making your firstborn the family's instant baby sitter.
How to Parent The Middle Child
- Make the time to listen. Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time.
- Allow the child to make decisions. Empower your middle child and make him feel special by allowing him to make choices such as who gets to bowl first or what the family will eat for dessert. This will help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.
- Update the family album. This may sound silly but it truly is important. There tend to be a billion photos of the firstborn and about six of the next child. To a child flipping through the family album, he may see this as a sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.
How to Parent The Last Born
- Stick to the rules. Statistics show the last born is least likely to be disciplined and the least likely to have to toe the mark the way the older children did.
- Hand out responsibility. Last borns often wind up with less to do around the house for two reasons. One, they are pros at ducking out of work. And two, they are so little and "helpless" that the rest of the family decides it's easier to do the work themselves.
- Applaud accomplishments. Last borns are well known for feeling that nothing they do is important. Make a big deal out of their accomplishments (you may have seen two other kids learn to ride a bike but it's the first time for your baby).
The Parents' Birth Order
It's important to realize that our parenting style is also influenced by the our own birth order. Parents subconsciously identify with the child who holds the spot in the family they occupied themselves.
If you are like me, and have more than one child I highly recommend this book. Not only has it help me understand why each of my children are different, but it also helped me understand how to parent each one to their needs.
Sources:
Leman, Dr. Kevin. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are The Way You Are. Baker Publishing Group, 2009, ISBN 0800734068 .
Shelly Thomson-Blevins - Shelly Thomson-Blevins is just a girl trying to balance love, life, and everything in between.
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